Public Post. Breaking silence. I kinda have to.

A couple of years ago, when chaosflowerflow and I were still together, we went to Portland State University to attend Portland Bisexual Alliance. I met a couple of people there who became instrumental to my life here in Portland. One was Dr. Theresa Reed, also known as Darklady (darklady_produc). The other one was Allyn Bowers.

Outside one of the classrooms where one of the seminars was happening, I crossed paths with Allyn, who was running a table. She and I talked for a good half hour about being bisexual and the work involved about bringing clarity, truth and visibility of those of us who believe gender is irrelevant when it comes to loving another human being.

She was active in bringing bisexuality to the conversation table in queer matters here in the City of Roses. Living out and proud and active in Basic Rights Oregon she gave me something to shoot for. She did not shy away form the spotlight when it was on her, offering her views when interviewed many times by Just Out Magazine.

A year later she was a featured reader at one of Cf's open mikes at Coffee Time in Portland. She read from her notebook what were conversations to her from her spirit guide. The words may have been from a friend of here from a previous lifetime, someone living in the 1800's on a farm. She said that she's been guided by her influence.

Somehow that influence gave made her make a decision. Allyn told me that in spite of her conditioning in the gender-based mores of out society, she felt more masculine than feminine. At the Darklady New Year Eve Party on 31 December 2002, she told me decided to transition from male to female.

Months later, we went on a dinner/movie date. He told me, while we were sitting at the Aladdin theatre's restaurant that he began taking testosterone shots and began identifying as male and the effects those shots had on Allyn's body. After the movie, he took me home and we had a very long and beautiful kiss.

Allyn changed his name to Kaelin, began wearing more masculine clothes. He traded in his purse for a wallet and wore pants and jeans. He kept his job at Intel and on the side was a hot-air balloon pilot.

Life happened and our contact was minimal at best. We saw each other once in a while at the healing circle at the Secret Fortress.

The one of the last times I saw him it was at the Queer Pride rally in 2003. Kaelin now was working on visibility and justice regarding transgender issues and civil liberties. We sat together when one person also a female-to-male was a keynote speaker at the rally. We talked for a little bit and parted ways.

Kaelin died on 24 September of natural causes. This is sudden as I can't remember that there was any condition he had that would make him unwell.

Kaelin, I know that my space-time transmissions is sending you this meme. I want you to know that you are one of the bravest people I have even known. You have more courage in living out loud than even my smart-alec behavior could ever pretend to be. I'm sorry that I haven't kept in touch with you like I should have and I regret that. I wish I would have told you while you were still alive that you have touched me deeply and closely only a precious few in my life have. And that kiss we shared in your car still resonates with me to this day.

There will be a memorial Sunday night at Laurelhurst Park. I will be there.

Here is an article Kaelin wrote for lanerights.org:
"Grassroots America Defends the Bill of Rights"

The memorial page is here.

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This only strikes me more deeply about the preciousness of life as fieryfae469 mentioned in her blog in the yesterday and last week. This is hitting home. I share your tears, my friend.

And how ironic I would receive this news today; John Lennon would have been 64 today.

For Kaelin, and for myself, I urge you to vote down any homophobic measure that rears it's ugly head on any ballot you come across. I urge you all to show respect for any good person who lives a life honest to their True Nature. And when you vote, vote for Freedom.

I have a few phone calls to make to people I haven't talked to in a while. Life is too fucking short.

I love you Kaelin, you beautiful boy.